Dear Tabetha,

I love my best friend.

Tarah
the way i see it, if you have to tell yourself you dont, you do. things happen. you meet people you didnt think you would
feeling form even though you dont ant them to
you either lay them out on the table or get out of the situation if you dont want them

11:03pmTabetha
Tarahhhhhhhhhh i don't want too

11:03pmTarah
why?
11:04pmTabetha

because it's scary

11:05pmTarah
remember our talk? we are 19 damn years old. we need to just live life. grab it by the balls and make it into what we want it to be. we have enough time to be worried about things when we are older
even if that means making mistakes, falling on our asses, and making fools of ourselfs
because it just might turn out to be a good thing

11:06pmTabetha
So are you saying it's okay to just roll with it? whatever this is?
to sack up?

11:08pmTarah
if you dont its the right choice, then dont. but if a part of you thinks it might be worth it, i would go with it
he could turn out to be that one guy who will stick with you through thick and thin and if you let him slip through your fingers just because you are afraid of loving him, then that would be a crying shame

11:10pmTabetha
sigh. I want to let myself let go, i think he could be good for me, but damn it Micah has me scared he broke me i'm afraid to let anyone that close now.

11:11pmTarah
im not saying youll be able to let go all at once, im saying just dont fight it when he trys to get closer
test out the waters
if you dont like it, you can slam the gates back down
think about YOU first, not anyone else

11:12pmTabetha
here goes nothing lol
like you said we're 19 and we need to grab life by the balls.
well if my hands get sweaty in the process oh well=]

11:13pmTarah
hahaha ewwww


Step away and watch me grow

"Brown eyes and lungs are filled up with smoke
Fast lives are stuck in the undertow
But you know the places I wanna go
Cause oh oh oh
I've got a sickness, you've got the cure
You've got the spark I've been lookin' for
And I've got a plan, we walk out the door"



"I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart....




I drank to much last night. 5 beers?? Tuaca, yummy liquor, and three large glasses of wine.
Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
I got drunk, then i hid because I was mad at Chase.
Nick and Robert kept coming in and hugging me and refilling my wine when I asked.
They told me he was being stupid and he'd realize it eventually.
I ended up in the bathroom with him.
I threw up, he basically made me admit something I won't admit to myself.
Then he told me to open up to him, that he's been trying to get me to, to give him a reason to love me.
Ay Guey.
I told him almost everything i've been holding inside.
i told him I hated liking him and caring about him more than he did me,
he said who said I did more.
I think i'm even more scared now than before.
but god he was beautiful,
I was such a mess sitting there with him near by and all I could see was how gorgeous he is.
thank god my hair was up so he didn't have to hold it back
that would've been even more humiliating.



'When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
No one could hold me down
No one could keep me around
Now it's your turn, take a shot
Baby show me everything that you got
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can get in my mind
But it's only a matter of time"


Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

Dare I jump?

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
this moment we share together
and the streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.


So many good songs.
So many painful memories. Sigh.


That aside, I had a great night<3

You are young and so am I.
And this is wrong, but who am I to judge
You feel like heaven when we touch
I guess for me this is enough

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

You are young and I am scared
You're wise beyond your years, but I don't care
And I can feel your heartbeat
You know exactly where to take me

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Will you remember me
You ask me as I leave
Remember what I said
Oh how could I, oh how could I forget

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

One mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself. (myself)
I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.
Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.
But under your covers more torture than pleasure
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times when I was
Lost and depressed form the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

I will save myself!



So I am ashamed to admit that every time I take a facebook quiz that involves a special other I think of both Chase and Micah.
It frustrates the hell out of me because i don't want to think of Micah like that. And because chase deserves to have a girlfriend who isn't emotionally fucked up over her ex. I took a what is your love song quiz and this was my first result then she is love by parachutes. For this one it basically said his love was like my heroine it took me on a rush and taught me so much but is gone now. It was so right, but it confused me because i wasn't talking about Micah on it, at least I didn't think i was. I think it was just because i know exactly what Micah would do in every situation and with Chase i'm still learning, I don't know that much yet.
Now to get on the subject of Chase....
It really doesn't sit well with me, this whole Kc business, but i know how important it is too him, so I let it go. Besides who am I to ask anything right? We've only been dating, what just over a month now? I know he still loves her, I do. And I know it bothers him she's pregnant with someone else's baby even if it is her husbands. It bugs him because it"s not his, because he had wanted to have a family with her someday, and he imagined her belly swelling with his child. Not her asshole husbands. I have no feelings against the woman what so ever, if anything I feel compassion for her, her husband is a shit head, and she loves him, she can't help it, it's obvious. She kind of reminds me of how my mother was with my dad before he got better. The only problem is not everyone changes and there is only so much hurt a person can withstand physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's breaking, I wonder if she even realises how far gone she is?
I guess it just bugs me that up to several times a week and on the weekends my boyfriend is driving several hours to see his ex. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just..... frustrating. I don't like it. But I understand, I wish to hell I didn't cause then I could be a bitch about it, but I get it so I can't. I just have to sit here in silence because I refuse to let him know how i feel about it.
Then there's the fact that I like him way more than I ever meant to, which has begun to scare me. He asks me questions I don't want to answer, but I find myself answering anyhow. I don't want to answer because that involves letting him in, letting him know more about me. If I can keep him at a distance i'll be safe. he can't hurt me if I don't let him in. I don't want to let him in, I don't want to get hurt again. I feel like i'm loosing control. I want to have control of the situation, but I don't not one fucking bit. I know he doesn't like me as much as I like him and I think that's why I feel as if I have no control, because when they like you more, you hold the dice you can decide, when they have control, they have the power too hurt you. I really like him and it's scary. Sigh. Done for now, more later.


It's 4 A.M, and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
And a flickering of all of my mistakes

And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel the day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin

I knew I'd push too hard, or fall too fast
The moment never seems to last
And will I stop for long enough to know
That everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time

Your words circle in my head
And weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation

I only wanna do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the day's I'm in

I knew I'd push too hard, not hard enough
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut
And do we lead the life that we should?
Cause everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time

And did I say too much again
I'm just a girl in a panic
And if I tell you my truth, what am I getting through?
And it just seems I should confess
And who am I to pretend?
And this is more than I can carry

Cause everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just cant walk away
This time

I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright this time
ah, ah, ah
ah, ah, ah
Its 4 AM and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
And its times like these I see your face

and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

(Chorus 2x)




I hate that he can hurt me so damn bad. I want to hate him but I don't not one little bit. I think I hate myself for not being able to hate him. I need a hug so bad.





I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
What it's like to be free
I wanna see
What you see in me
I wanna to know how it feels to believe

I feel lost somehow I'm drifting away

"Tabetha Morris: My other half. She is the chocolate chips to my cookie dough. She is gorgeous. She is tiny. She is my photoshoot partner. She always crys with me when I'm having a hard time. She dances like a dork with me. She runs away with me when we are being followed by creepy guys. She flips off cars with me when we get honked at. She causes trouble with me. We have had plenty of hard times but we always come back to eachother. And even if it happens a hundred times more, I'll always come back because we have such an awesome friendship. I feel like I've known her since I was born, even though its only been 4 years. I'll never be able to replace her, and that's what makes her so special. No one can seperate us now. We've gone through cutting, drinking, depression, ex-boyfriends, family problems, and such much other stuff and it's stiched our hearts together so I know we will never forget eachother. " -Tarah Ketsdever on best friends.


I'ts so weird to read what other people think of you and how they see you, but in a good way, well in this case. It's funny how you find out and think "what?" but when you look at yourself it's true, or how you read what they think and it takes you off guard cause you'd never dream of yourself that way. And it's great to be able to have the memories attatched to them, like dancing like a dork, running, flipping off, all of it.
Like I know i'm short and weigh like 114lbs, but i'd never call myself tiny, even though most people do. I'd never consider myself beautiful. Tarah thinks I am=] I like Tarahs idea, but this post is special. Just for her and all you too see what i see.


Tarah Ketsdever: The Pina to my Colada. She's the other half of my soul. She's a green eyed tornado. She just whirls right by and takes me along for the ride. We really are one person in two different boddies. She's my model and my photographer. She jumps on beds with me. We both get lost in ikea. She's my partner in failed attempts at crime. She's a siren [even if she can't sing worth a damn=]. She is beautiful. She is graceful, even if she runs into things and trips all the time. She's the best kind of contradiction. She's a mystery, and an open book. She has a shaded past just like me but different. She understands. She doesn't judge me unfairly. She reminds me of a leaf in the breeze. But at the same time she's an iron wall in a gale. She's been there with me for the hard parts of growing up, highschool, boys, family drama, cutting, partying, depression, and too much makeup. She get's everything from over packing, taking to many pictures, feeling that scream rise, laughing till you want to pee your pants, singing off key, tummy aches, everything. She knows just about everything there is too know about me. We dance like complete idiots. We try to bake [oh boy] we yell at photobooths, we eat to much junkfood, we cry when something goes wrong, we get angry for each other, we laugh when the other runs into a wall.We make plans to run away. We both believe in that old cliche called love. She trys my odd concoctions. Tarah Ketsdever because life isn't always nice, and she knows that. Because even best friends fight. Because she's the closest thing to a sister I have. Because love doesn't only exist in the bounds of a "relationship" Because she'll always be a part of me. Because we've been through so much in four years we will never forget each other.

Our summer song-

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bungalow with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's 'til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
And I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
Summer's all in bloom
Summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's cracked leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lied, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses [x3]