Dear Tabetha,

eeep, not sure what to think.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 10:28:17 GMT

Andrew
hi mobbie

1:14amTabetha
hello

1:15amAndrew
how are you?

1:15amTabetha
I'm good, getting tired lol. How're you?

1:15amAndrew
doing good

why up so late?

1:16amTabetha
I was talking to an old friend on here and lost track of time lol

1:16amAndrew
your chest says Thou Shall Pass?

isn't there a word missing? lol

1:17amTabetha
"This Too Shall Pass"

1:17amAndrew
ohhhhh

1:17amTabetha
lol

1:17amAndrew
nice ink

1:17amTabetha
thank you=]

1:17amAndrew
not to mention a total cutie

1:17amTabetha
haha thank you=]

1:18amAndrew
California in huh? I used to live in Long Beach

went to school in the Valley

1:18amTabetha
nice lol my mother grew up in the valley.

1:19amAndrew
forgot where garden grove is

OC?

1:19amTabetha
yep=]

1:19amAndrew
thought so

partied in Newport a ot

and Huntington

1:19amTabetha
lol nice haha

1:19amAndrew
and of course Belmont Shores

Panama Joe's whoo hoo

1:20amTabetha
haha lol

1:20amAndrew
and in Huintington that club don't know if still there name of an animal

I wanna say rhino or bull

1:21amTabetha
hmm might be lol i don't know

1:21amAndrew
lol

lucky guy Chase

he better appreciate a catch like you

;)

1:22amTabetha
haha thank you lol

1:23amAndrew
you're too cute I'm picturing you giggling

1:23amTabetha
haha well i am

1:23amAndrew
yup you are

hey do you happen to have some necklaces you could send my way

1:24amTabetha
sure thing=]

1:24amAndrew
appreciate it

as many as you can need 12 more and I'm done with the damn fence mission in downtown

1:27amAndrew
actually more ike 7 or 8 more

1:29amAndrew
thank you

1:29amTabetha
you're welcome=]

1:29amAndrew
you need anything>

1:29amTabetha
nope i'm good for now but thank you for offering

1:30amAndrew
np if you need anything post it on my M2 profile I send gifts every morning to peeps on my list

can you swing three more? I have 6 if I get three more I'm set

1:31amTabetha
sure=]

1:31amAndrew
nm

you sent them already

got them

cool

1:31amTabetha
haha lol okay=]

1:32amAndrew
thank you!!

so how's the OC

still fun?

1:33amTabetha
haha yeah it can be lol

1:33amAndrew
man long time I don't get to Cali

over 12 yrs

since I was akid

1:34amTabetha
lol wow that is a long time

1:34amAndrew
yeah I was 17 when I left

no sorry 18

just turned 18

went to wonder the country

1:35amTabetha
nice=]

1:35amAndrew
so you're 18?

1:35amTabetha
yep

1:35amAndrew
cool cool

high school or out already?

1:35amTabetha
already out

1:35amAndrew
cool

what u do now working and college?

1:36amTabetha
just finished my first semester of college

looking for a new job lol

1:36amAndrew
what major?

1:37amTabetha
nursing. i want to specialize in neonatal eventually

1:37amAndrew
cool babies

1:37amTabetha
yup=]

1:37amAndrew
hottest nurse on the floor

lol

now I wanna get sick and transferred to Cali

lol

1:37amTabetha
haha lol idk about that hopefully just one of the best

haha lol

Andrew
so bf treat you good?

1:39amTabetha
yeah, he's incredibly sweet

1:39amAndrew
good man

1:40amTabetha
yep i think so=]

1:40amAndrew
first one? or you sheartbreaker?
lol
heartbreaker? lol

1:41amTabetha
lol I've had a few other bfs before him

1:41amAndrew
u player you
lol

1:42amTabetha
haha me? no. actually the one before him i was with for a long time haha
i'm a relationship type, i dont just like to date for the sake of it

1:43amAndrew
cool cool
I date a lot
not settling till I find the right one for me

1:43amTabetha
haha good, no one should settle

1:44amAndrew
yup

Andrew
is this heading for marriage thing?

1:46amTabetha
lol to soon to tell.

1:47amAndrew
good answer
scare me if you say yes LOL

1:47amTabetha
haha no i know better lol i'm only 18

1:47amAndrew
people should not get married in teens or 20's
IMO
give themselves time to explore

1:48amTabetha
lol i think it depends on the person but i think teens and early to mid twenties is to young lol

1:49amAndrew
smart lady

1:50amTabetha
lol nah i just watched my parents start a family to young and decided i'd rather be prepared and be sure it's what i want lol

1:50amAndrew
there ya go

1:50amTabetha
well i'm getting tired so i'm going to say goodnight now, it was nice talking to you=]

1:51amAndrew
u too
stay in touch mobbie

1:51amTabetha
definitely =]

Okay so what the heck right??? lol anyhow you all know me and know exactly where I lied. You must know where I stand on marriage. I think 18 is too young this day and age, but before Micah left I didn't lol, but i think that was mainly due to the fact that we'd been together for so long and I was still starry eyed. Now I feel more along the lines of, It's different for everyone, some people get married young and it's what's right for them, others wait. Lord knows all i've ever wanted was to have a family of my own and be a mother, regardless of my age. Now I wonder a bit more, but I know that if everything lined up (time,place,person) like if my relationship with whoever was at that point, I wouldn't care. I used to want to be married by 20 and have my first child by the time i was 22 or 23, now I'm more of a, I know I want a family someday, but i'm sooooo not going to rush it. it'll all happen in good time when the timing is right. I do find it kinda funny though that at 18 going on 19, I already know exactly what I want out of life. I'm so weird.

As for Chase, ahhh that man, or more like ManChild lol jk. I really like him. things went kinda wonky at one point tonight, but we're better now. he held me while I cried, and damn him it made my heart melt a little. He can be so sweet, I looovvveeee when he is. But he told me he boses me around because i seem like i want him to, so not the case. I want him to be sweet and caring, while still managing to be his a-hole, smart ass, too honest, self. ya know what I mean? I want him to just hold me, or to cup my face, or head with one hand when he kisses me, I want him to look at me the way i've seen him do,i want him to say sweet things,idk maybe i'm crazy.
But i must say I absolutely, love, the way He cuddles. Micah(yes i know it's not fair to either to compare them, but my mind does it anyways) never cuddled me or held me the way he does, it's so nice. And as lovers go? Oh, sweet chocolate on high. and I love the way he smells. And those ridiculous faces he makes at the weirdest moments. lol, I love the way he tackles me on the bed and tries to "eat" my neck, I love the way he kisses. I love the way he tastes. I love listening to him talk about technical stuff I don't understand, the way he talks with his hands and that "I'm exasperated / i don't know what to do look" he gives me at the end of a story about something that isn't going right, i love listening to him talk period, i'm always talking ad he rarely does, so when he does i try to listen extra hard. I love when he opens the car door for me, i love how focused he looks when on the computer, I love how at peace he looks when he's sleeping, the way his lips turn up just a bit, and his face relaxes, i love his cheekbones, and his nose for some odd reason, i love that he argues (weird I know but no one ever had the time or energy to argue with me) i love when he just randomly comes up from behind to hold me or kiss my neck. he's so sexy, and freaking cute. ugh I like when he gets protective of me or tells me he wants us to work. i love how stubborn he is even if it frustrates me, I love how odd he can be. I love that he thinks i'm quirky and not a total spazoid retard. sure i could do without him being so touchy feely with other girls but hey no ones perfect, and i could do without arguing with someone who gets condescending (it's like arguing with my father it makes me want to punch him out lol)but again i reiterate. I think it only bugs me though because It makes me feel young and naive, it makes me feel insecure about if i'm enough for him even though I'm so much younger, thats the only time the age thing really stands out to me.

Well i'm tired. Goodnight<3

"This is easy as lovers go, So don't complicate it by hesitating."

There's no good reason for giving up And all this mess is just bad luck

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 23:26:46 GMT

Tabetha
DAYYYYY

hi

2:09pmDalynn
heyyy

2:10pmTabetha
miss you=]

*i

2:15pmDalynn
yeah its been a while...

2:16pmTabetha
are you upset with me?

2:21pmDalynn
im just over it to be honest. i really dont think the way you treated me was okay. and you never even said sorry......and you waited two months to even talk me. a friend that cared wouldn't have waited that long, or done that in the first place. idk im just not okay with being treated like shit.

2:25pmTabetha
i thought we had moved past this? You're right I waited awhile to talk to you and it wasn't right. But i had Micah in one ear telling me not to talk to you and then he left and i fell apart, i'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying it happened. i was wrong, i'm sorry. but i don't see the point in holding on to this, i honestly dont remember how this started except that it was over micah and he's not worth it.

I'm sorry day, I am. I miss you and idk

2:27pmDalynn
its honestly not the sitution. its the fact that you could treat me that way. i was never mad over this either. i was hurt.

2:30pmTabetha
It was wrong of me, I know. I guess at that time I had a lot of misplaced anger, I know now that Micah and I had been falling apart for awhile and in some pathetic attempt to keep him and vent some of that anger I took it out on you. I feel horrible for the way I treated you, i do. I never want to be that person or talk to someone I care about in that way again. and i'm soo sorry i did it to you, you never deserved it.

2:37pmDalynn
were just in two different places in life, thats not to say we wont ever be friends. and you also need to realize that im hurt, i forgive you, but i'm still hurt that yuo could treat me the way that you did. i was alwats there for you, i never treated you like shit ever. so this all may take time maybe a few months or a year, idk, onnly time will tell.

please just respect the fact that im hurt

2:38pmTabetha
i do. i'm sorry Day. =(

You're violence is beautiful<3

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:19:12 GMT

"And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me
You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day
And you sweetly retire as the stars chase you away

And in case you were wondering, you are like a hurricane to me
Your violence is beautiful, and your center sweet
Now tell me this, do you know how we'd meet?

And in case you were wondering, you are everything to me"

I wish someone would see me that way.

haha I say to much

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 02:14:58 GMT

Tabetha
do you think that if i stalked him enough i could get Dane Cook to father my children?
oh
oh
oh not meant for you!!!!

oh shit lol
your bubble was open i meant to type in tarahs

5:41pmChase
uh huh
sure you did

5:42pmTabetha
i did lol oly she understands my dane obsession=]

5:42pmChase
what? im not good enough to father your children?
what the fuck?

5:43pmTabetha
lol oh don't get snippy baby

5:43pmChase
im not fucking snippy?
snippy!
*
im pissed off now

5:43pmTabetha
i never said that, i simply said i was obsessed with dane cook and would not mind
babe i was kidding.........

5:44pmChase
tee hee......im kidding baby
im not mad at all
lol

5:44pmTabetha
good cause i was like "really?"

5:44pmChase
kiss kiss :P\

5:44pmTabetha
muah=]

5:44pmChase
no im not THAT psychotic

5:44pmTabetha
welllll

5:45pmChase
raises eyebrow

5:45pmTabetha
MUAH

<3

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:56:23 GMT

Please don't hate me for being weak, but my pleading eyes adore the way you smile ♥

You could be beautiful again <3

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 21:28:06 GMT

You were once a sweet little girl

So innocent and pure
Your eyes were open and sure
Anyone could look right in

I followed closely your gaze
You looked up towards the sky
And I watched your face drift away
Other things had caught your eye

Oh, the magazines and media supplied you with their plastic protocol
Oh, and maybe music television really is the devil after all
But all I can say is I knew you before
You were beautiful back then

Before you grew up, before you gave in

You dream of sharing your heart
Instead you share your bed
And your heart beats empty and cold
With all the tears that you have shed

You dream of baring your soul
Instead you bare more skin
And you wear dark glasses to keep
Anyone from looking in

Oh, the magazines and media supplied you with their plastic protocol
Oh, and maybe music television really is the devil after all
But all I can say is I knew you before
You were beautiful back then

Before you grew up, before you gave in

And all you want is to hear the words
"Dear baby I love you"
So you hike your skirt higher still
'Till there eyes are all on you

You drive in fast foreign cars
The color of your sin
And you tint your windows to keep
Anyone from looking in

Oh, and all I can say I knew you before
You were beautiful back then

Before you grew up, before you gave in

And all I can say is I knew you before
You were beautiful back then

You could be beautiful again

I love this song oh so very much.
Dustin Kensure- I Knew You Before

Take the time to let it go, Step away and watch me grow

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 07:24:17 GMT

"Carved a home for you deep down inside my chest "

I love my best friend.

Tarah
the way i see it, if you have to tell yourself you dont, you do. things happen. you meet people you didnt think you would
feeling form even though you dont ant them to
you either lay them out on the table or get out of the situation if you dont want them

11:03pmTabetha
Tarahhhhhhhhhh i don't want too

11:03pmTarah
why?
11:04pmTabetha

because it's scary

11:05pmTarah
remember our talk? we are 19 damn years old. we need to just live life. grab it by the balls and make it into what we want it to be. we have enough time to be worried about things when we are older
even if that means making mistakes, falling on our asses, and making fools of ourselfs
because it just might turn out to be a good thing

11:06pmTabetha
So are you saying it's okay to just roll with it? whatever this is?
to sack up?

11:08pmTarah
if you dont its the right choice, then dont. but if a part of you thinks it might be worth it, i would go with it
he could turn out to be that one guy who will stick with you through thick and thin and if you let him slip through your fingers just because you are afraid of loving him, then that would be a crying shame

11:10pmTabetha
sigh. I want to let myself let go, i think he could be good for me, but damn it Micah has me scared he broke me i'm afraid to let anyone that close now.

11:11pmTarah
im not saying youll be able to let go all at once, im saying just dont fight it when he trys to get closer
test out the waters
if you dont like it, you can slam the gates back down
think about YOU first, not anyone else

11:12pmTabetha
here goes nothing lol
like you said we're 19 and we need to grab life by the balls.
well if my hands get sweaty in the process oh well=]

11:13pmTarah
hahaha ewwww

Step away and watch me grow

I won't stop till I am under your skin

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 02:25:19 GMT

"Brown eyes and lungs are filled up with smoke
Fast lives are stuck in the undertow
But you know the places I wanna go
Cause oh oh oh
I've got a sickness, you've got the cure
You've got the spark I've been lookin' for
And I've got a plan, we walk out the door"

"I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart....

I won't try to philosophize

I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and the skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie
You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming"

I drank to much last night. 5 beers?? Tuaca, yummy liquor, and three large glasses of wine.
Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn.
I got drunk, then i hid because I was mad at Chase.
Nick and Robert kept coming in and hugging me and refilling my wine when I asked.
They told me he was being stupid and he'd realize it eventually.
I ended up in the bathroom with him.
I threw up, he basically made me admit something I won't admit to myself.
Then he told me to open up to him, that he's been trying to get me to, to give him a reason to love me.
Ay Guey.
I told him almost everything i've been holding inside.
i told him I hated liking him and caring about him more than he did me,
he said who said I did more.
I think i'm even more scared now than before.
but god he was beautiful,
I was such a mess sitting there with him near by and all I could see was how gorgeous he is.
thank god my hair was up so he didn't have to hold it back
that would've been even more humiliating.

'When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
No one could hold me down
No one could keep me around
Now it's your turn, take a shot
Baby show me everything that you got
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can get in my mind
But it's only a matter of time"

"I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation
For what I'm feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out"

"Will you find another ~~boy~~ to go and kiss and tell?
Cause you know I never will"

Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
I'm feeling like a new born child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

Dare I jump?

Disowned</3

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:07:07 GMT

Last night alot went on. First I was informed that I have until the 19th to get out of my house and that i am no longer welcome back unless invited. Basically disowned. I'm so mad, and hurt and scared. All I want to do is cry. I'm trying to say possative though. So now I'm going to hopefully be moving in with Tarah, I have to get a job and I started looking harder today, get a license and a car.... I've got to get shit together.
I'm just afraid that this is going to put me back a semester in school =/
Then Chase and I had a supper serious talk. It was alot to deal with in one night. I'm so tired of upsetting him but it's my fault, it's like the harder I try to keep him happy the more i piss him off. Ugh.

Sighhhhhhhh i have alot to say but no energy to say it.
Mostly I want to cry.

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of it to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know,

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on.
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall.
You're never gonna be alone. I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know,

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on.
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
go see the world alone. I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.
Ooooh.

You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes,
Tomorrow never comes?

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on.
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna take the world on. I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there all of the way.
I won't be missing one more day.
I'm gonna be there all of the way.
I won't be missing one more day.

Hush

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:59:53 GMT

So I slept like a rock it was amazing as hell=]
I'm happy=]
I like Chase, i'll just be careful and take this slow.
Today i'm going to take pictures with Tarah,
SOOOOO excited =]

I miss my camera lol

This night is wild, so calm and dull. These hearts, they race, from self-control.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:40:37 GMT

Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
this moment we share together
and the streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

So many good songs.
So many painful memories. Sigh.

That aside, I had a great night<3

You are young and so am I.
And this is wrong, but who am I to judge
You feel like heaven when we touch
I guess for me this is enough

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

You are young and I am scared
You're wise beyond your years, but I don't care
And I can feel your heartbeat
You know exactly where to take me

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

Will you remember me
You ask me as I leave
Remember what I said
Oh how could I, oh how could I forget

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

One mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

I know it's hard to feel like I don't care at all.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:48:20 GMT

I despise getting involved in other peoples drama.
just thought i'd throw that out there.

Anyways....

as the light starts creeping in I slowly feel the day I'm missing

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:24:37 GMT

The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself. (myself)
I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.
Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.
But under your covers more torture than pleasure
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times when I was
Lost and depressed form the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

I will save myself!

So I am ashamed to admit that every time I take a facebook quiz that involves a special other I think of both Chase and Micah.
It frustrates the hell out of me because i don't want to think of Micah like that. And because chase deserves to have a girlfriend who isn't emotionally fucked up over her ex. I took a what is your love song quiz and this was my first result then she is love by parachutes. For this one it basically said his love was like my heroine it took me on a rush and taught me so much but is gone now. It was so right, but it confused me because i wasn't talking about Micah on it, at least I didn't think i was. I think it was just because i know exactly what Micah would do in every situation and with Chase i'm still learning, I don't know that much yet.
Now to get on the subject of Chase....
It really doesn't sit well with me, this whole Kc business, but i know how important it is too him, so I let it go. Besides who am I to ask anything right? We've only been dating, what just over a month now? I know he still loves her, I do. And I know it bothers him she's pregnant with someone else's baby even if it is her husbands. It bugs him because it"s not his, because he had wanted to have a family with her someday, and he imagined her belly swelling with his child. Not her asshole husbands. I have no feelings against the woman what so ever, if anything I feel compassion for her, her husband is a shit head, and she loves him, she can't help it, it's obvious. She kind of reminds me of how my mother was with my dad before he got better. The only problem is not everyone changes and there is only so much hurt a person can withstand physically, mentally, and emotionally. She's breaking, I wonder if she even realises how far gone she is?
I guess it just bugs me that up to several times a week and on the weekends my boyfriend is driving several hours to see his ex. It's not that I don't trust him, it's just..... frustrating. I don't like it. But I understand, I wish to hell I didn't cause then I could be a bitch about it, but I get it so I can't. I just have to sit here in silence because I refuse to let him know how i feel about it.
Then there's the fact that I like him way more than I ever meant to, which has begun to scare me. He asks me questions I don't want to answer, but I find myself answering anyhow. I don't want to answer because that involves letting him in, letting him know more about me. If I can keep him at a distance i'll be safe. he can't hurt me if I don't let him in. I don't want to let him in, I don't want to get hurt again. I feel like i'm loosing control. I want to have control of the situation, but I don't not one fucking bit. I know he doesn't like me as much as I like him and I think that's why I feel as if I have no control, because when they like you more, you hold the dice you can decide, when they have control, they have the power too hurt you. I really like him and it's scary. Sigh. Done for now, more later.

It's 4 A.M, and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
And a flickering of all of my mistakes

And as the light starts creeping in
I slowly feel the day I'm missing
But I wouldn't even know where to begin

I knew I'd push too hard, or fall too fast
The moment never seems to last
And will I stop for long enough to know
That everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time

Your words circle in my head
And weigh so heavy on my chest
And I'm crushed by your expectation

I only wanna do some good
Too dumb to know if I could
And I just wanna feel the day's I'm in

I knew I'd push too hard, not hard enough
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut
And do we lead the life that we should?
Cause everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just can't walk away
This time

And did I say too much again
I'm just a girl in a panic
And if I tell you my truth, what am I getting through?
And it just seems I should confess
And who am I to pretend?
And this is more than I can carry

Cause everybody burns
And when it starts to hurt
I cry
I feel it in my veins
I just cant walk away
This time

I hold my head up high
I know I'll be alright this time
ah, ah, ah
ah, ah, ah
Its 4 AM and I'm wide awake
Waiting for my thoughts to fade
And its times like these I see your face

It's always been a matter of trust.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:47:55 GMT

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
'Cause it's always been a matter of trust

- Matter of Trust, Billy Joel

I found this on another profile.
I love it.

Many moons have come & gone Don't know why I'm still searching

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:20:22 GMT

I want to paint my face

and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

(Chorus 2x)

I hate that he can hurt me so damn bad. I want to hate him but I don't not one little bit. I think I hate myself for not being able to hate him. I need a hug so bad.

I wanna sing
While the ocean sleeps
I wanna feel
What it's like to be free
I wanna see
What you see in me
I wanna to know how it feels to believe

I feel lost somehow I'm drifting away

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules But baby I broke them all for you

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:03:13 GMT

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Life moves on=]
Song of the day:
The Story by Brandie Carlile

My dear our hearts have gotten good at pumping cheap new lust Into our young veins

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 00:30:01 GMT

"Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in lover's eyes,
being vexed, a sea nourished in lovers' tears, what is it else? A madness so discreet. A choking gall, and a preserving sweet...
Love is not love which alters when its alternation finds, or bends with the remover to remove, it is an ever fixed mark,
that looks on tempests and is never shaken, it is the star to every wandering bark, whose worths unknown,
although his height taken. Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals.
When I saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew. In thy face I see honor, truth and loyalty.
My bounty is as boundless as the see, my love as deep, the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinate.
All days are nights till I see thee, and nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me.
So long as I can breathe or see, so long lives you love which gives life to me.
I'll follow you and make a heaven out of hell and I'll die by you hand which I love so well. So dear I love him that with him,
all deaths I could endure, with out him live no life. Such is my love, to thee i belong, that for thy right myself will bear all wrong.
It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves...
My Heart is Ever At Your Service"

It's been over a month since Micah left.
I can't express the depth of loss that i suffered or in how many ways it ruined me.
But through all of this, all this pain, i'm finding happiness.
I met someone, i've been with him a month.
His name is Chase and he's 25. Yes i know that there's a bit of an age difference.
I can't pretend to know where anythings going with him, but i know that he makes me happy, and when i'm with I feel safe, and at peace.

We'll see where this all goes.
life has shown me that my plans for my life won't always work out,
no matter how bad i want them.

I just wish he wouldn't have said he loved me.
I was getting better I'd come to accept that he didn't love me,
then he said he did.
Now I really want to know what's wrong with me that i wasn't good enough?

I still have a ways to go before i'll be completely over anything.
but sigh i'm getting there.

For the longest time I thought I'd lost the best of me
But I'll be damned if I quit now and that's for sure
All I ever wanted was for you to look at me
And know I'm all yours
Like the penguins need their wings for deep cold water dives
Like the earth needs the moon to keep it on course
When you touch me, I know there is purpose in my life
Just know I'm all yours

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

I've been wondering if you could ever realize
That we're growing up so fast, and it's insane
My dear our hearts have gotten good at pumping cheap new lust
Into our young veins

Suddenly I understand everything I couldn't comprehend

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

All this time I've spent without you by my side, I dreamt about you
Saw you through the windows in my mind
Carved a home for you deep down inside my chest
And I never want to
lose such a big part of me again
... lose such a big part of me again

I'm a mess, I confess that I'm nothing without you
And there is nothing I can do to prove to you I'm being honest
Now I see, everything; and yes I've known it all along
I was so lost, but I'm back and I finally know now where my heart belongs

There she goes, there she goes again.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 20:15:48 GMT

So school starts tuesday for me and i'm kind of stressing out over it.
Oh and I have to pay my medical bills which is going to cost me an arm and a leg on top of books for school.
I'm going to broke by the end of this semester.

I got a tattoo on monday I love it.
I don't love my dads attitude towards it. They act as if i didn't have a reason to get it and it's the stupidest thing i've ever done.
i thought it through alot. And maybe i'll regret it someday but i don't right now and it's too late it's already there. besides i worked for the money and saved for it myself.
I just wish they'd leave it alone.

I always say how I don't need you, but it's always going to come right back to this....

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 03:24:55 GMT

Please don't leave me.

God I am such a fucking idiot. I'm soooooo sorry. i'm so very very sorry. I swear i never meant anything by it.
Please forgive me.

Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
da da da da-da
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is....broken

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Da da da da, da da da da
da da da da-da da
Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
No.
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

You make me want to scream.

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 07:04:24 GMT

Fuck double standards.

I try so hard to be a good pateint loving girlfriend. But i fail miserably everytime. And you! You and you're drinking and out until four and forgetting me, and just behaving diffrently, I hate it! It hurts.

okay i'm done being angry.

i have a job, i kinda despise it. but it's a job and my boses are really nice.

"I hear babies cry and I watch them grow.
Oh they'll learn much more than i'll ever know
and I think to myself,
what a wonderful world"

And these lungs have sung this song for too long, and its true I hurt too

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:30:15 GMT

So I graduated on Monday!!!!!!
Whooowooooooo! It feels so funny to know it's over. High school is done. Holy Shit. I have no idea how this next part of my life will go. I don't even know that i'm ready for it, but i have to be. I never really imagined i'd make it out of there, you know, I always knew it was coming, i just didn't give it much thought it always seemed so surreal. Oh boy. I have quite the adventure in front of me.

Hahahahahahahaha Hollywood Undead makes me crack up I love them!!!!!

So I went to the doctors today, diagnosis: Acute Chronic asthma. who the fuck gets that???? me.
I've never had acute or chronic anything and now I have both in the same diagnosis.
Oh and I got two more inhalers one is a twist one that looks like a fucking dildo hahaha
I can't take it seriously, i always start giggling lol.

"If the keg is tapped, then you're getting capped
Take your girl to the sack and I’ll take a nap
Ladies drink ‘em fast so I could have a blast
You got your beer gog's on and I’m getting ass
Like, oh my god, is that Charlie Scene?"

Stand up boy, I shine so bright when you're around.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 07:01:12 GMT

I'm super excited right now.
Tomorrow is my grandmas birthday and later on Tarah MIcah and my Mom will all be up for my graduation monday. I'm so happy to see them I missed them so much. I'm super stressed about grad. I have 2 personal finance packets to finish and two government packets to finish by monday morning. I'm almost done with the government ones though. The PF just takes me fucking forever.
I'm slightly nervous about walking too. I so know i'm going to eat it.
Cheyenne Kristina and I spent the night together last night at Cheys.
there was a thunderstorm at 3 so we went out to watch it. so cool.
we decorated our caps. another point of anxiety. we weren't supposed too but we payed for them damn it.
we might get in trouble for this one lol.

It's just so weird to think that after Monday i'm going to be done with high school. A good weird though, and a slightly good scary.
Oh well I should go to bed.

Can't wait for tomorrow=]

You've never seemed so tense love

Sun, 24 May 2009 07:07:11 GMT

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well
Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along, I hope that it puts you through hell

I had fun at the party tonight. I played with a giant sword. Then Micah and I cuddled and it was nice cause I missed him alot. I'm sad i missed Matt but hopefully i'll see him tomorrow.
I miss Tarah.

I got home today, it feels so good to be home. The only problem is that when i got home my room wass all rearanged and clean and things have been moved around. I feel violated=[
ughhhhhhh I was pissed.
darn you mommy.

It was a looooong day so i'm going to get some sleep.
Goodnight world<33

Step away and watch me grow.

Fri, 22 May 2009 21:57:50 GMT

Sooooo my grandma had a candle party yesterday and the ladies showed up 45 minutes early and i was in the back yard in my thong and bikini top tanning. needles to say they all saw my butt cheeks=]

I'm having fun at school today but not getting much done.
I'm mostly talking to Chey and Nichole lol.

I miss Tarah and Micah tonnnnnsssssssssss
Oh well

I know what you did

Wed, 20 May 2009 20:33:41 GMT

I, I know what you did
Like a boy of summer gives his first kiss
Love, is dancing on my finger
He got to the heart of the matter and lingered
Now I'm walking with the living
I always liked Steinbeck and those old men whistling

We're back, we're back in San Francisco
We're back and you tell me I'm home

Talking in the Mission
Over coffee this is my utopia
Then I'll be your lady
As the ocean rises, the sun is fading

We're back, we're back in San Francisco
We're back, we're back in San Francisco
We're back, we're back in san fran

And now I feel the ever after
Over red wine on the eve of summer
The buzz, the buzz of the city
As we settle in it's majesty
I, I know what you did
Like a boy of summer gives his first kiss

We're back, we're back in San Francisco
We're back and you tell me I'm home

You tell me I am home
You tell me I am home
You tell me I am home
Back in San Francisco

And I know what you did in San Francisco
I know what you did in San Francisco
San Francisco

So yesterday as I was leaving school i get a call from Micah telling me he was in the hospital. And since this is Micah we're talking about i thought he was lying. Then he gave the mom his phone. He wasn't lying, he was in urgent care. bacterial flu and strep but i was suffeciently freaked. he called me later after he was done sleeping and he says he's okay.

it's hotter than fuck up here. and I miss Tarah and Micah.